When True Words Mislead

Picture a T-shirt celebrating the perfect season of the 2007 New England Patriots. They won every game in the regular season. If you’re a Patriots fan, you also remember who won the Super Bowl. Depending on where you decide to end the story, “undefeated” can leave somebody with entirely the wrong idea.

Can we do that in a conversation? Can every sentence out of our mouths be true and still leave somebody believing something we know is false?

When the story gets a little bigger

Suppose I helped set up chairs for an event. By the time I’m telling you about it, “I helped set up” has become “I pretty much organized the whole thing.” I really did help. But I’d like you to be impressed, and a few folding chairs don’t seem likely to do it.

Or maybe I’m hurt. “You didn’t listen to me tonight” becomes “You never listen to me.” The first sentence gives the other person something real to respond to. The second asks them to defend every conversation we’ve ever had. It’s worth asking why I reached for that bigger word. Did I think what actually happened wouldn’t be enough to get you to care?

The part I left out

Imagine a friend asks, “Did you finish what you said you’d do?” I say, “I worked on it all afternoon!” That might be exactly how I spent my afternoon. But I heard the question. I know the answer is no. And I’m hoping my friend won’t ask again.

We can do the same thing when we tell someone about an argument. I remember the words that stung me well enough to quote them. Would the story sound different if you also heard what I said first?

Of course, we don’t owe everybody every detail of our lives. You can share a good family picture without posting the argument you had five minutes before it. The question is what you want the person listening to believe. Sometimes the detail we’re leaving out is the very thing they would need to understand what happened.

Whose approval am I afraid to lose?

A lot of the time, I’m trying to protect myself. I don’t want you to be disappointed in me. I’d rather agree with you than have an awkward conversation. Proverbs 29:25 describes the fear of people as a snare. We want people to know and love us, so we show them the version of ourselves we think they’ll like. Then we wonder why we don’t feel known.

Paul gives a remarkably personal reason to tell the truth in Ephesians 4:25. We belong to one another. When you ask whether I finished the work, you may be counting on me. An honest “I didn’t finish” gives you the chance to decide what to do next. It also gives you a chance to know the real me.

Following Jesus into honesty

Jesus said that our mouths speak from what fills our hearts (Luke 6:45). John describes him as full of grace and truth (John 1:14). Jesus could tell someone the truth and love them in the same conversation. He was secure in his Father’s love. And as we learn to trust that God loves us, we can let someone be disappointed in us without trying to manage what they think by bending the truth.

This week, think back to one conversation where you left somebody with the wrong impression. You could go back and say, “What I told you about yesterday was true, but I left out my part. Can I tell you what I said first?” That’s a small, concrete way to practice faithfulness with someone you love.

If you’re unsure where to begin, spend a few quiet minutes with Psalm 139:23–24. Ask God to search your heart. When did you feel the need to impress somebody, win sympathy, or protect yourself? Let him bring one moment to mind, and ask him for the courage to tell the truth there.